So I was going to write a post about pot, but then I saw that the place where I get my eyebrows waxed offers a Brazilian wax with something called Vajazzle and now I’m totally preoccupied by the notion of Vajazzling.
First off, I don’t know what the fuck Vajazzle is, but I’m going to go out on a limb and assume it’s like BeDazzling your vaj.
Secondly, I don’t really know what the point of it is. I’m sure it lends a certain aesthetic quality to your goodies, but I’m also pretty certain that if a dude knows he’s about to gain access into your bejeweled lady garden of love, he wouldn’t recognize your artwork if it shot out disco lights and blared “It’s Raining Men.“
Personally, I like to think it’s like a road map for dudes who don’t know where anything is. (“Hey, Romeo, see that sparkly thing? The sweet spot is two inches south, three o’ clock.”)
I also think the word “Vajazzle” should be said like it has an exclamation mark after it, accompanied with jazz hands.
If I had any musical talent whatsoever, I’d turn The Vagina Monologues into a musical and rename it The Vajazzle! Monologues. It would star Nathan Lane because, weirdly, I think he could pull it off. This could be a good project for Trey Parker and Matt Stone, a good followup to The Book of Mormon. I’d see it.
So, yeah, Vajazzle. Things that make you go hmmmm…
EDIT: So a Facebook fan just alerted me to something called Vajacials. Yes, it is exactly how it sounds. I can’t. I can’t even. This will definitely be included in The Vajazzle! Monologues.
It’s been quiet on here lately, and I apologize. Things have gotten really busy in my neck of the woods. I like to think it’s because everybody all of a sudden realized what an awesome person I am and want to hang out, but realistically it’s probably just a busy season in my life and in a couple of months I’ll go back to being a lame-o.
Anyway, on my commute home from work a couple weeks ago, I heard this song:
Once it got to the chorus, I totally recognized the song, but what’s been bothering me ever since is I can’t remember from where I recognized it. It’s like somebody downloaded it into my brain one night while I was sleeping, because I knew random things, like the key changes, but I have no context in which I can place how I know this song. I don’t think it was the subject of one of my song obsessions.
I do know that it’s awesome, and that it probably will be the subject of one of my song obsessions, though. And until I can figure out how the hell I know this song, I will pretend that I know it from when I was abducted by some aliens one night who took me up in their UFO where all we did was listen to songs from the 80s and 90s, watch Brat Pack movies, and drink craft brews. Now I’m kind of sad that actually didn’t happen.
This is a rando post because nothing is meaty enough to fuel an entire blog post. Sometimes I like these better, though. It’s kind of like when you get used to eating only the “fun sized” Milky Way and then you buy a full-sized bar and your stomach is all like, “Woah, man, WTF did you just put in me? This needs to leave. NOW.” Not that I would know from experience or anything. Also, that previous sentence didn’t really make any sense. Sorry. I’ll shut up now…and start talking again.
1. I’m planning on signing up for another half marathon. I know. I know. After the last one, I was all, “I AM NEVER DOING ANOTHER HALF MARATHON AGAIN.” But then I found out about Celebration, FL’s inagural marathon and half marathon weekend scheduled to take place next year. For those who have never heard of Celebration, it’s a Disney-inspired town. It’s clean, there’s virtually no crime, and it’s very Stepford-y and cute. I’ve been wanting to explore it for quite sometime, and this would allow me the perfect opportunity, as you run through the whole neighborhood. Or most of it, anyway. So basically, I’m going to participate in this race so I can be a creeper. I run races for arbitrary reasons.
Also, I learned from the mistakes I made while training for the Disney Princess Half. Even though I had friends who gave me great tips, I still made rookie mistakes. It happens. So here is what I’m going to do different so that next year, I won’t take any selfies that look like this:
I’m going to run more 5Ks and 10Ks and build up my mileage slowly. When I decided to do the Disney Princess Half, the only race I had run was a 5K, and when I started training, I was barely able to do that. And I didn’t participate in any more races until the Half, so it was a case of trying to run before I could really walk. Er, run. Whatever. Since the Celebration race isn’t until Jan. 2014, I have almost a whole year to get more miles under my belt and build my endurance naturally, and hopefully avoid those damn shin splints.
I’m going to start training when my app says to start training. Since the Disney Half was Feb. 24th, my training app began the program December 8th. However, I wanted to give myself plenty of time to finish it, so I started October 15th. I feel like the burnout I felt the last month and a half before the race was attributed to starting so early, so this time, I am going to start training on the date my app says to start training.
I’m going to make training more of a priority. Because guess what? I still didn’t finish the training program, even with the extra two months. There were days I skipped strength training, days where I skipped short runs–you get the gist. I learned that if I even want to run all 13.1 miles–never minding trying to get a PR or anything like that–I need to make training my #1 priority. Which means having to pass out on a fun night at the bar to get a run in if need be. That will be the hardest for me, because I likes my alcoholic beverages, but hopefully the payoff will be worth it. I’ll just give my friends the heads-up when I start training that I’ll be a lame-o for a couple of months.
Kristina and Kathy said they were both up for another road trip.
2. I signed up for proper salsa dance lessons. At an actual studio and everything! As fun as it was learning how to dance through a tequila-soaked haze (still one of the most fun nights of my life), it will be nice to learn things like proper technique and how to spin so that I don’t end up feeling like Lucille #2. Oh, snap, it’s about to get all Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights up in hurr!
3. I saw the Footloose remake the other night and LOVED IT. I am an 80s movie purist, so when I first saw the preview for the remake, I actually said, “Hell no they are not remaking Footloose!” Out loud. In a movie theater. Probably to the mortification of my friend who was with me. I resisted seeing it, but then I got curious and watched it earlier this week, and you know what? IT WAS AWESOME. It was well-cast, and updated where it needed to be, but still kept the story and the spirit of the original in tact. What I especially loved was Ella Mae Bowen’s reinterpretation of Bonnie Tyler’s “Holding Out For a Hero.” I think I actually Bowen’s version better. It’s all brooding and moody and I think best reflects women’s feelings when it comes to finding a good, quality man. I told my friend Kathy this song should be our anthem.
I am currently playing this song into the damn ground. Because I don’t get obsessed with whole albums; I get obsessed with songs and will play them, like, 20 times in a row all day, every day for two weeks. Or a month. However long until I find another song to obsess over. My college roommates still remember the Thriller obsession from 2004.
Alright, I’m outy. Going dance shoe shopping. Remember: Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights.That is my goal.
Happy Monday, y’all! (Is there such a thing?) How was your weekend? Mine went a little something like this:
I dog-sat this sweet girl:
I imbibed a little o’ this deliciousness (see what I did there?):
And I read. I’m currently working my way through Haterby David Moody, a book I’ve been wanting to read for ages. It’s post-apocalyptic-y and dark, which I love, and although it isn’t edge of your seat thrills (yet), the story does progress at a steady, organic pace. I can dig it. If you are a nerd like me and have a Goodreads account, be my friend, won’t you?
Oh, and I totally broke my coffee Lenten fast, but it was worth it. If you’re ever at Cafe Hey, get yourself a hot Angel Kiss. No, that’s not a special service you can order from a hooker.
Now it’s back to the daily grind, although I am planning to go salsa dancing at the Straz Center Thursday night. Fun fact: I can salsa dance. I can’t do any Dancing With the Stars-type shiz, but I know the basic salsa moves. A friend of mine married a fella from Nicaragua, and one night after way too many drinks and a round of Patron shots, he and his two buddies taught us girls how to salsa. 3 guys + 3 girls + too much tequila = dance party U. S. A. So this gringa is looking forward to getting her Latin groove on Thursday. I’ve never been, but apparently there’s a live band and everything, which sounds fun. Super excited. I think it’s important sometimes to plan for a bit of fun during the work week. Breaks up the monotony and gives you something to look forward to. I’m pretty sure I will be dragging Friday morning, though. Oh, well. I can sleep when I’m dead.
How was your weekend? Have any fun plans coming up?
1. Over the weekend, I met up with my friend K, and after sharing our discontent with certain elements in our lives, decided our new life goal should be to marry rich men so we can be stay at home housewives. I could so totally rock that job. Every day would be Casual Friday. I could make it to happy hour on time. I would throw shit in a crock pot so hubby would have a hot meal to come home to while I’m out at happy hour. I could pretend like blogging is my actual job. Any eligible bachelors out there, I am taking applications.
2. I finally learned how to wear my hair wavy to where it actually looks good instead of like a rat’s nest. You guys, this is big news. I’ve had wavy hair since I was 21, when my genetics decided to screw around with me and give me a WTF?! texture to work with. And ever since then, I’ve either resorted to straightening it, blowing it out, or wearing it as a rat’s nest and deluding myself into thinking it didn’t look that bad. I could not find any help on how to style it wavy. There were plenty of tips for curly hair. There were plenty of how-to’s for creating waves if you didn’t have them already. But none for how to style them if your hair was naturally that way. Enter my co-worker, Michelle, who suggested I either twist or braid my hair before going to bed since that would help it from frizzing. So I followed her advice. I wash my hair at night. When it’s damp, I put in leave-in conditioner, and some stuff I bought at the salon that’s like a heat protectant/anti-frizz lotion. Then I let it air-dry. Then I twist it into two pigtails before I go to sleep. (I tried braiding it, but the braids made it look too crinkly. The twists help the waves keep their natural shape, I feel.) Then, when I wake up in the morning, take the twists out, spray my hair with some shit that makes it look shiny and also protects against frizz, use a hair pick to comb through it, and bada-bing, bada-boom, I’m rocking waves that don’t make me look like so much of a hot mess. There’s still some frizzing, but it gives my hair the Julia-Roberts-in-Pretty-Woman look or the 2001-Shakira look, so it’s the good kind of frizz. Me likey. Watch, now that I’ve finally figured out how to properly style my hair, my genetics are going to switch it up on me again. Eff you, genetics.
3. When I first started running back in July, I listened to talk radio. I found that it gave my brain something to focus on and follow instead of just allowing it to zone out to music, where my thoughts would eventually wander to, “Holy Jeebus, how much longer is this effing workout?!” But recently talk radio stopped working for me. The people’s voices were just too calm and I couldn’t keep focus, and my thoughts did indeed wander to, “SERIOUSLY, HOW MUCH LONGER IS THIS MOTHER EFFING WORKOUT?!” So I switched back to music. You guys, music is so much more fun. I can lip-synch and pretend like I’m in Glee. I can pretend like I’m in a movie montage and whatever song is playing is my soundtrack. Sometimes I incorporate hand-motions. Sometimes I throw up a celebratory fist-pump whenever I’m almost done and a victorious song comes on. In short, I entertain myself for however many miles I have to run. I probably look like I’m schizophrenic, but IT’S WHAT GETS ME THROUGH, OKAY?! Just run or walk faster if I creep you out.