[dear justin silver: please marry me]

So it looks like the whole Mike Rowe thing didn’t work out. But it’s okay. I’m a big girl. After a pint of Ben & Jerry’s and taking the appropriate amount of time out to grieve a non-acceptance of a ridiculous marriage proposal to a pseudo-celebrity, I’m ready to get back in the game. I’ve moved on, Mike. YOU HEAR THAT?! I’VE. MOVED. ON. My new target  obsession interest? Justin Silver of CBS’ “Dogs in the City.”

Dear Justin Silver,

Please marry me. I know you don’t know who the hell I am, but I think know we’re meant for each other. And really, when two people are destined to be together, what does it matter how long they’ve known each other? My parents only knew each other for six months before they tied the knot, and they’ve been married 15 20(ish) 31 years. TRUE LOVE, JUSTIN. And that’s what I know we’ll have. I understand, however, you may need a bit more convincing, so allow me to outline a list of qualities/general statements about our marriage and fate, and I’m sure by the time you’re finished, you’ll be at a ring store picking out finger bling so fast it’ll make a Real Housewife’s head spin. BECAUSE REAL HOUSEWIVES LIKE DIAMOND JEWELRY, JUSTIN. Try to keep up.

1. I have a dog. Her name is Ava, and she is awesome:

I feel this alone makes us kindred spirits, and gives us something in common. And don’t worry; Ava will fit right in. For the most part. She just has this tiny thing where she’s sort of uncomfortable around other dogs. Like when I take her to the dog park, she just stands awkwardly next to me, and then when another dog tries to initiate play, she hides behind my legs. She’s like that kid who won’t pry himself off his mother’s legs on the first day of school. And then it’s just me and her, standing outside in the dog park, in the heat, awkward and uncomfortable. She won’t chase balls. She won’t play tug-of-war with me. Sometimes I think she might be autistic. But if we were to get married and merge our doggie kids, you and your brood could help her get well-adjusted and socialized. Talk about a great father-daughter bonding exercise!

2. I am Catholic. You look like you’re Italian, and if there’s one thing I’ve learned from watching The Godfather and The Real Housewives of New Jersey, it’s that Italian = Catholic. They say that commonality in faith is one of the cornerstones of a solid marriage, so that means we are ahead of the game.

3. I will move to New York. Seriously, I’m so ready to get the H up out of Florida, I’d move to Saskatchewan. I know what I’d be getting myself into because I visited your fair city a few years ago. I saw Wicked, went to the Broadway Comedy Club, rode the carousel in Central Park, and saw an unofficial, look-like-he-might-shank-you-if-you-got-too-close Mickey Mouse in Times Square. And I live in Tampa (which is urban as shit), so I have no problem adopting a “don’t fuck with me” attitude. Which I totally did when the security guard in Hell’s Kitchen started getting mouthy when I asked for directions to a restaurant. 

4. I won’t chew your face off. I realize this is probably a concern of yours since I’m from Florida, but DON’T WORRY. I don’t get high off bath salts, and the last time I touched marijuana was, like, over a year ago, so all traces of drugs, including their zombie-like side effects, are completely out of my system. Promise.

Justin, it is clear that I am a catch. So I urge you to think long and hard about my proposal, and then accept it. An opportunity like this only comes around once in a lifetime. Don’t blow it.

Your Future Wife,

Sarah VB

 

[another new examiner article]

I am on a roll this week! This time I stopped by Kahwa Coffee downtown. Read what I thought (if you care) here.

[new examiner article!]

This time, I switched up things a bit and reviewed a tea shop. It’s my blog; I do what I want.

Check it out here.

[officially open for business]

Ever say to yourself, “Gee, I love this blog so much, I wish it had merchandise that I could buy so even when I’m not reading it, I could still be immersed in its awesomeness?” Well, friend, there is. I recently opened up a shop on Zazzle just so YOU would no longer be asking yourself that question. I’m psychic like that.

Right now there are shirts inspired by this post and this post, and the photo card and sticker I just designed and submitted should be up momentarily. I thought about whether it was douchey or not to make stickers and cards with my blog’s logo (and open up a shop in general) and decided to go ahead with it either way because in this world, if you want to achieve your dreams, you gotta do a little hustlin’. Whether it makes you look like a douchebag or not. If anything, check out my designs because they were a pain in the ass to get just right and I’m proud of how they turned out. Holla!

[where i get my inspiration]

I’m single, and for the most part, I love it. I can have wine for dinner. If I’m bored on a Saturday night, I can decide to learn the Thriller dance and drink champagne (true story). I don’t always have to wear pants when I’m home. I won’t lie, though, sometimes I think it would be nice to come home to someone besides my dog. And when these moods strike, this is when I look to my inspiration sources.

Unlike most normal women, I don’t get inspiration from stories like, “Oh, Jane Doe was your age, single and working, and then she met her husband. It always comes when you’re not looking for it.” Well of course Jane Doe found someone. She’s a nice, wholesome girl; it’s not a stretch to believe she could find a man who would love and cherish her. What I like are the stories involving really fucked-up people, the kind of people you look at and go, “I feel sorry for whoever he/she ends up with. If he/she ends up with someone, because, honestly, that mofo is a total trainwreck.” The way I look at it is, I’m not completely fucked-up, so if there’s someone out there who is bat-shit crazy and that person manages to find love, then there is hope for me. That is definitive proof that there is truly someone out there for everyone. So let’s check out a few of these crazies, shall we?

1. Debra Lafave

For those of you not up on Florida pop culture, Lafave used to be a teacher at Greco Middle School here in Tampa before her ass got fired for having sex with a student. I recently (as in, earlier today) read that she was engaged (probably married at this point) and has twin boys. Why does her story give me hope? Because if a convicted sex offender can find someone to marry her, then there has to be someone out there who wants to be with me. And I’m way better than a sex offender! Clean record, guys.

2. Ozzy Osbourne

At this point, I’m not even sure of Ozzy Osbourne is a real person or a cartoon character, but animated or not, he managed to find someone to stand by his side going on 30 years. And this is a person who bit the head off a bat.

3. Britney Spears

I don’t think I need to remind you guys of Spears’ epic meltdown back in 2007, the above picture only one in a series of train wrecks that resulted in her dad instituting a conservatorship. But if a formerly bald woman with a dubious taste in men can find her happy ending, then I can too.

I’m thinking I should make a vision board of all these people to see if it’ll speed up the process of me finding somebody. Knowing my luck, though, I’ll just end up bald and eating a bat.*

 

*J/K about the vision board, guys. That is the stupidest concept I’ve ever heard of.

 

[social]