Show Me How You Burlesque

Actually, don’t show me, because if you are anybody other than the cast of iBurlesque/i, you will probably look like a href=”http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5xi4O1yi6b0amp;feature=related”this/a and embarrass all of us. Speaking of embarrassing, you know what movie wasn’t as embarrassing as I was expecting it to be? iBurlesque/i. Transition. Nailed it. divbr //divdivDon’t get me wrong, this movie won’t win any awards. The plot and dialogue could have been written by a hyperactive second grader who was just given a giant chocolate bar and a 2-liter bottle of soda. It’s basically iCoyote Ugly/i without Tyra Banks and John Goodman, but it wasn’t as bad asi Coyote Ugly. /iI know, I know–WTF, am I right? Here’s what separates it from that other movie about a small town girl (livin’ in a lonely world) who stook the midnight train heading anywhere/s moves to the big city to follow her dreams: the dance numbers. The performance sequences in iBurlesque/i make the gals in iCoyote Ugly/i look like a bunch of drunken Okies just bumbling around, salivating like Pavlov’s dogs whenever their eyes land on a sweat-stained fiver wielded by an overweight businessman smack dab in the midst of a mid-life crisis. Allow me to utilize a visual aid:/divdivbr //divdiv style=”text-align: center;”img src=”http://pkconfessions.files.wordpress.com/2011/04/coyote-ugly-movie-08.jpg” alt=”coyote-ugly-movie-08.jpg (445×282)” //divdiv style=”text-align: center;”bLow self-esteem! Daddy issues!/b/divdiv style=”text-align: center;”bbr //b/divdiv style=”text-align: center;”bbr //b/divdiv style=”text-align: center;”bimg src=”http://www.netkushi.com/gallery2/var/albums/Hollywood-Movie-Stills/B/Burlesque-movie-stills/Burlesque_Movie_stills_19.jpg?m=1288170997″ alt=”Burlesque_Movie_stills_19.jpg (600×400)” //b/divdiv style=”text-align: center;”bFlashy! Pretty!/b/divdiv style=”text-align: center;”bbr //b/divdiv style=”text-align: center;”bbr //b/divdiv style=”text-align: center;”bimg src=”http://images.contactmusic.com/images/reviews/coyoteugly.jpg” alt=”coyoteugly.jpg (250×215)” //b/divdiv style=”text-align: center;”bHot mess! White trash!/b/divdiv style=”text-align: center;”bbr //b/divdiv style=”text-align: center;”bbr //b/divdiv style=”text-align: center;”bimg src=”http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_qcBSx5LjqOA/TO76e1mbqYI/AAAAAAAAAWk/GkvIp2p50WY/s1600/burlesque-movie-poster-1020556594.jpg” //b/divdiv style=”text-align: center;”bSexy! Sassy! Sophisticated!/b/divdiv style=”text-align: center;”bbr //b/divdiv style=”text-align: left;”Are we on the same web page now? Anyway, I basically gave away the plot earlier, but here’s a more detailed breakdown: Christina Aguilera plays Allie, a small-town girl from Iowa, who moves to L.A. to follow her dreams. She stumbles upon the Burlesque Lounge and is immediately all, “OMG if I don’t become a performer here I will slit my wrists!” But then Cher is all, “Hold up, homegirl, don’t think you can come in imy house/i with your dreams and your hope! You know what I do to dreams and hope? I shit on them. That’s what I do. This is me, shitting on your dreams and your hope. Buh-bye.” Allie then is like, “Oh, ihells naw/i,” so she gets a job as a waitress at the lounge, where she spends most of her time watching the show, yet istill/i manages to get people the right drinks. I don’t get it. I also don’t get all the staring that goes down in this damn movie. This is pretty much the first half hour:/divdiv style=”text-align: left;”br //divdiv style=”text-align: center;”img src=”http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQqJTSDPDBqoO4sACwOJcFDi_N9LFA9-PDs_yt-bs1bfl2UN1MQamp;t=1″ //divdiv style=”text-align: center;”b”OMG, I wanna be up there.”/b/divdiv style=”text-align: center;”bbr //b/divdiv style=”text-align: center;”bimg src=”http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQqJTSDPDBqoO4sACwOJcFDi_N9LFA9-PDs_yt-bs1bfl2UN1MQamp;t=1″ //b/divdiv style=”text-align: center;”b”OMG, I ineed /ito be up there.”/b/divdiv style=”text-align: center;”bbr //b/divdiv style=”text-align: center;”bimg src=”http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQqJTSDPDBqoO4sACwOJcFDi_N9LFA9-PDs_yt-bs1bfl2UN1MQamp;t=1″ //b/divdiv style=”text-align: center;”b”OMG, I would sell my body in a sexual way to be up there.”/b/divdiv style=”text-align: center;”bbr //b/divdiv style=”text-align: center;”img src=”http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQqJTSDPDBqoO4sACwOJcFDi_N9LFA9-PDs_yt-bs1bfl2UN1MQamp;t=1″ //divdiv style=”text-align: center;”b”Seriously, who do I have to bang to get up there?!”/b/divdiv style=”text-align: center;”bbr //b/divdiv style=”text-align: left;”After more staring and pleading, Allie eventually annoys Cher enough to get a spot as a performer. But that’s not the end of the story! She finds herself in a love triangle with a bartender named Jake and McSteamy from iGrey’s Anatomy/i, she steps on the toes of a rival dancer played by Kristen Bell, she pals around with Stanley Tucci who reprises his role from iThe Devil Wears Prada/i, iand/i she helps Cher keep her club from going under. Phew! That’s a lot for a girl from Iowa who has been in the City of Angels for a month, two months, tops! It can pretty much be summed up like this:/divdiv style=”text-align: left;”br //divdiv style=”text-align: center;”img src=”http://s4.daemonsmovies.com/mov/up/2010/11/burlesque-movie-photo-01-550×366.jpg” alt=”burlesque-movie-photo-01-550×366.jpg (550×366)” //divdiv style=”text-align: center;”b”Gosh, you’re pretty.”/b/divdiv style=”text-align: center;”bbr //b/divdiv style=”text-align: center;”bimg src=”http://img2.timeinc.net/people/i/2007/stylewatch/blog/070115/mcsteamy_400x300.jpg” //b/divdiv style=”text-align: center;”b”I am McSteamy! Have sex with me!”/b/divdiv style=”text-align: center;”bbr //b/divdiv style=”text-align: center;”bimg src=”http://screencrave.frsucrave.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/Picture-185.jpg” alt=”Picture-185.jpg (565×378)” //b/divdiv style=”text-align: center;”b”I’m the gay mentor who everybody looks to for support!”/b/divdiv style=”text-align: center;”bbr //b/divdiv style=”text-align: center;”bimg src=”http://www.makeushot.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/12/Kristen-Bell-Burlesque-Promos4.jpg” alt=”Kristen-Bell-Burlesque-Promos4.jpg (426×639)” //b/divdiv style=”text-align: center;”b”I hate that tramp!”/b/divdiv style=”text-align: center;”bbr //b/divdiv style=”text-align: center;”bimg src=”http://cdn.sheknows.com/articles/2010/11/cher-burlesque.jpg” alt=”cher-burlesque.jpg (450×300)” //b/divdiv style=”text-align: center;”b”I’m Cher, bitch! Respect!”/b/divdiv style=”text-align: center;”bbr //b/divdiv style=”text-align: center;”bimg src=”http://netkushi.com/gallery2/var/albums/Hollywood-Movie-Stills/B/Burlesque-movie-stills/Burlesque_Movie_stills_26.jpg?m=1288171001″ alt=”Burlesque_Movie_stills_26.jpg (600×400)” //b/divdiv style=”text-align: center;”b”Yay, let’s dance and be sexy!”/b/divdiv style=”text-align: center;”bbr //b/divdiv style=”text-align: left;”Still, though, iBurlesque/i was pretty enjoyable, and the costumes and performances are hot. If you want a movie sans plot holes as big as sinkholes, go rent iKramer vs. Kramer/i or iPhiladelphia/i or something. But if all you want is to have a good time and watch pretty girls in pretty clothes prettily strut around on their pretty little legs, then give iBurlesque/i a whirl. /divdiv /div

Teen Kitty Adventure #1, Part Two

iSo it took longer than a week for me to get this written and posted. Sue me. If you’re all confused and like, “WTF is a Teen Kitty?” checkity-check out part one a href=”http://svb-thatswhatshesaid.blogspot.com/2011/05/teen-kitty-adventure-1-part-one.html”here/a. /idivibr //i/divdivi***/i/divdivibr //i/divdividiv style=”background-color: transparent; margin-top: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-right: 0px; font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; font-style: normal; font-size: medium; “span id=”internal-source-marker_0.04736999305896461″ style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; “The day just got weirder for Eleanor. She had an insatiable craving for milk. When Mandy pushed her down the bleachers during gym, she landed on her hands and feet effortlessly, not a scratch on her. Cats were inexplicably drawn to her. She was also incredibly acrobatic and clairvoyant. The other students also noticed the weirdness surrounding Eleanor and started calling her Teen Kitty. The nickname stuck. /span/divdiv style=”background-color: transparent; margin-top: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-right: 0px; font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; font-style: normal; “span id=”internal-source-marker_0.04736999305896461″ style=”font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; background-color: transparent; “/spanspan class=”Apple-style-span” style=”font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;”br //spanspan style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ““Hey. Teen Kitty. Stop /spanspan style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: italic; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; “meow/spanspan style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; “-ing and let the others have a chance at answering the question,” said her English teacher./span/divdiv style=”background-color: transparent; margin-top: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-right: 0px; font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; font-style: normal; “span style=”font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; “/spanspan class=”Apple-style-span” style=”font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;”br //spanspan style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ““But you specifically asked me.”/span/divdiv style=”background-color: transparent; margin-top: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-right: 0px; font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; font-style: normal; “span style=”font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; “/spanspan class=”Apple-style-span” style=”font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;”br //spanspan style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ““No I didn’t.”/span/divdiv style=”background-color: transparent; margin-top: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-right: 0px; font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; font-style: normal; “span style=”font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; “/spanspan class=”Apple-style-span” style=”font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;”br //spanspan style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ““Yes, you did. You said, ‘Eleanor, what does the streetcar symbolize in this play?’”/span/divdiv style=”background-color: transparent; margin-top: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-right: 0px; font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; font-style: normal; “span style=”font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; “/spanspan class=”Apple-style-span” style=”font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;”br //spanspan style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ““Well, now I want you to shut your yap because I’m tired of your /spanspan style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: italic; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; “mew/spanspan style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; “-ing, okay?”/span/divdiv style=”background-color: transparent; margin-top: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-right: 0px; font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; font-style: normal; “span style=”font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; “/spanspan class=”Apple-style-span” style=”font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;”br //spanspan style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; “Work wasn’t any better. Everywhere Eleanor went, the cats followed, and her supervisor took a peculiar interest in her. /span/divdiv style=”background-color: transparent; margin-top: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-right: 0px; font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; font-style: normal; “span style=”font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; “/spanspan class=”Apple-style-span” style=”font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;”br //spanspan style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ““Eleanor, do you feel okay?”/span/divdiv style=”background-color: transparent; margin-top: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-right: 0px; font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; font-style: normal; “span style=”font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; “/spanspan class=”Apple-style-span” style=”font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;”br //spanspan style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ““Yeah, why?”/span/divdiv style=”background-color: transparent; margin-top: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-right: 0px; font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; font-style: normal; “span style=”font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; “/spanspan class=”Apple-style-span” style=”font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;”br //spanspan style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; “He nervously rubbed his ruby cat ring. “Something’s just…different about you, is all. Did you make it home okay last night?”/span/divdiv style=”background-color: transparent; margin-top: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-right: 0px; font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; font-style: normal; “span style=”font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; “/spanspan class=”Apple-style-span” style=”font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;”br //spanspan style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ““Yeah.”/span/divdiv style=”background-color: transparent; margin-top: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-right: 0px; font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; font-style: normal; “span style=”font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; “/spanspan class=”Apple-style-span” style=”font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;”br //spanspan style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ““No accidents?”/span/divdiv style=”background-color: transparent; margin-top: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-right: 0px; font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; font-style: normal; “span style=”font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; “/spanspan class=”Apple-style-span” style=”font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;”br //spanspan style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; “Eleanor felt uneasy. She didn’t like his prying, and somehow knew that disclosing what really happened to her the night before would get her in trouble. So she did something she never did: lie./spanbr /span style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ““No, no accidents.”/span/divdiv style=”background-color: transparent; margin-top: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-right: 0px; font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; font-style: normal; “span style=”font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; “/spanspan class=”Apple-style-span” style=”font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;”br //spanspan style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ““Then where is your car?”/span/divdiv style=”background-color: transparent; margin-top: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-right: 0px; font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; font-style: normal; “span style=”font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; “/spanspan class=”Apple-style-span” style=”font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;”br //spanspan style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: italic; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; “Shit. /spanspan style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; “Eleanor forgot she walked to the shelter. “It was…stolen.”/span/divdiv style=”background-color: transparent; margin-top: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-right: 0px; font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; font-style: normal; “span style=”font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; “/spanspan class=”Apple-style-span” style=”font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;”br //spanspan style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ““Stolen?”/span/divdiv style=”background-color: transparent; margin-top: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-right: 0px; font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; font-style: normal; “span style=”font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; “/spanspan class=”Apple-style-span” style=”font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;”br //spanspan style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ““Yeah, by some individuals from a low socioeconomic class.” She shook her head dramatically. “This town ain’t what it used to be!” She hurried to go clean the litter boxes and avoid further questioning. /span/divdiv style=”background-color: transparent; margin-top: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-right: 0px; font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; font-style: normal; “span style=”font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; “/spanspan class=”Apple-style-span” style=”font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;”br //spanspan style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ““Stolen by individuals from a low socioeconomic class my ass,” muttered her supervisor as he watched her walk away./span/divdiv style=”background-color: transparent; margin-top: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-right: 0px; font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; font-style: normal; “span style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; “br //span/divdiv style=”background-color: transparent; margin-top: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-right: 0px; font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; font-style: normal; “span style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; “***/span/divdiv style=”background-color: transparent; margin-top: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-right: 0px; font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; font-style: normal; “span style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; “br //span/divdiv style=”background-color: transparent; margin-top: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-right: 0px; font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; “span style=”font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; “div style=”font-style: normal; background-color: transparent; margin-top: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-right: 0px; white-space: normal; font-size: medium; “span id=”internal-source-marker_0.04736999305896461″ style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; “It took Eleanor longer than normal to clean all the litter boxes, and when she finally started collecting her things to leave, it was almost midnight. /span/divdiv style=”font-style: normal; background-color: transparent; margin-top: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-right: 0px; “span id=”internal-source-marker_0.04736999305896461″ style=”font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; background-color: transparent; “/spanspan class=”Apple-style-span” style=”font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;”br //spanspan style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ““Good thing it’s Friday,” she mumbled to herself. “At least I can sleep in tomorrow.” /span/divdiv style=”font-style: normal; background-color: transparent; margin-top: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-right: 0px; “span style=”font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; “/spanspan class=”Apple-style-span” style=”font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;”br //spanspan style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; “As she walked past her supervisor’s office, she saw that the door was closed, but the light was still on. She heard a muffled voice, and, curious, she tip-toed over and pressed her ear against the door./span/divdiv style=”font-style: normal; background-color: transparent; margin-top: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-right: 0px; “span style=”font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; “/spanspan class=”Apple-style-span” style=”font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;”br //spanspan style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ““What do you mean, you haven’t found any of those cats?!” her supervisor said, obviously agitated. There were a few seconds of silence then, “We /spanspan style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: italic; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; “need/spanspan style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ” to find those cats! You know what an army of radioactive cats could do if they wound up in the wrong hands? God forbid anybody gets bitten or scratched by one. Actually, I think one of my volunteers may be infected…Well, she’s always been Coco Loco, but now she seems different…more…catty…No, /spanspan style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: italic; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; “not/spanspan style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ” in the typical woman way! Literally, she’s taken on cat-like characteristics! When she’s around, the cats here go apeshit!…Listen, I’m done talking to you. Your ass doesn’t go to sleep until all 11 of those cats are found, you hear me?” This last sentence was punctuated by a metal clang, probably from slamming the phone into its cradle. Eleanor stepped back and hurried out of the building, allowing what she just heard to marinate in her brain. /spanbr /span style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; “br //span/divdiv style=”font-style: normal; background-color: transparent; margin-top: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-right: 0px; “span style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ““I’ve got to find those cats before they do,” she said./span/divdiv style=”font-style: normal; background-color: transparent; margin-top: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-right: 0px; “span style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; “br //span/divdiv style=”font-style: normal; background-color: transparent; margin-top: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-right: 0px; “span style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; “***/span/divdiv style=”font-style: normal; background-color: transparent; margin-top: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-right: 0px; “span style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; “br //span/divdiv style=”background-color: transparent; margin-top: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-right: 0px; “span style=”font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; “div style=”font-style: normal; background-color: transparent; margin-top: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-right: 0px; white-space: normal; font-size: medium; “span id=”internal-source-marker_0.04736999305896461″ style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; “The next morning, Eleanor set out on her cat-finding mission. She started off by going to the scene of the accident. As soon as she stepped foot into the woods near the intersection, she was besieged by colors and sounds. Pretty soon an image took shape in her mind; she was having a vision. She saw the cats wandering down under a bridge overpass by the river. For the most part, they were alone, save for the few bums who camped out there and who would occasionally say things like, “Shut up, you damn cats!” and, “Your carrying on sounds like my late wife Myrtle! May the bitch rest in peace!” Then it was over./span/divdiv style=”font-style: normal; background-color: transparent; margin-top: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-right: 0px; “span id=”internal-source-marker_0.04736999305896461″ style=”font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; background-color: transparent; “/spanspan class=”Apple-style-span” style=”font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;”br //spanspan style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ““They’re out by John’s Pass,” she said to herself. “I need to get over there!” /span/divdiv style=”font-style: normal; background-color: transparent; margin-top: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-right: 0px; “span style=”font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; “/spanspan class=”Apple-style-span” style=”font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;”br //spanspan style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; “She began running. /span/divdiv style=”font-style: normal; background-color: transparent; margin-top: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-right: 0px; “span style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; “br //span/divdiv style=”font-style: normal; background-color: transparent; margin-top: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-right: 0px; “span style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; “***/span/divdiv style=”font-style: normal; background-color: transparent; margin-top: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-right: 0px; “span style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; “br //span/divdiv style=”background-color: transparent; margin-top: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-right: 0px; “span style=”font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; “div style=”font-style: normal; background-color: transparent; margin-top: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-right: 0px; white-space: normal; font-size: medium; “span id=”internal-source-marker_0.04736999305896461″ style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; “She got there to John’s Pass in 15 minutes. /span/divdiv style=”font-style: normal; background-color: transparent; margin-top: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-right: 0px; “span id=”internal-source-marker_0.04736999305896461″ style=”font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; background-color: transparent; “/spanspan class=”Apple-style-span” style=”font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;”br //spanspan style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ““Holy shit, can I run fast!” she exclaimed. “I’m like a cheetah! And I’m not even out of breath!” All of a sudden she heard a chorus of meows and ran in the direction of the sounds. /span/divdiv style=”font-style: normal; background-color: transparent; margin-top: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-right: 0px; “span style=”font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; “/spanspan class=”Apple-style-span” style=”font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;”br //spanspan style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ““There you guys are!” she said when she got to the cats. The cats immediately fell silent and watched her intently. She did a quick count. “…8,9,10. But my supervisor said there were 11. Isn’t there supposed to be one more?” she questioned the cats. The cats all looked behind them to the riverbank, where a feline body lay limp and motionless, obviously dead./span/divdiv style=”font-style: normal; background-color: transparent; margin-top: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-right: 0px; “span style=”font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; “/spanspan class=”Apple-style-span” style=”font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;”br //spanspan style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; “Eleanor wiped tears from her eyes and put a hand over her heart. “My brother didn’t make it,” she said sadly. “Godspeed, Friend; I just know you’re having a ball chasing mice in that big litter box in the sky.” She looked at the rest of the cats. “Follow me. I know a safe place.”/span/divdiv style=”font-style: normal; background-color: transparent; margin-top: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-right: 0px; “span style=”font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; “/spanspan class=”Apple-style-span” style=”font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;”br //spanspan style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; “Like the pied piper, the cats formed a line behind Eleanor and followed her to the local laboratory that studied things like global warming, nuclear radiation and birds caught in oil spills./span/divdiv style=”font-style: normal; background-color: transparent; margin-top: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-right: 0px; “span style=”font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; “/spanspan class=”Apple-style-span” style=”font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;”br //spanspan style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ““Trust me—you /spanspan style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: italic; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; “want/spanspan style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ” to study these animals,” she told the stunned scientists. “Some weird chemical was spilled on them or something.” With that, she left. /span/divdiv style=”font-style: normal; background-color: transparent; margin-top: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-right: 0px; “span style=”font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; “/spanspan class=”Apple-style-span” style=”font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;”br //spanspan style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ““Now to take care of a little business,” she said to herself, and started walking in the direction of Kitty Loves. /spanbr /span style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; font-size: 11pt; background-color: transparent;”/spanbr //divdiv style=”font-style: normal; background-color: transparent; margin-top: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-right: 0px; “***/divdiv style=”font-style: normal; background-color: transparent; margin-top: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-right: 0px; “br //divdiv style=”background-color: transparent; margin-top: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-right: 0px; “Stayed tune for the (not so) thrilling conclusion of Adventure #1! And if you know of a way I can make Teen Kitty even MORE ridiculous, feel free to leave a comment or shoot me an email! Obviously, I’m not taking this too seriously! ITALICS AND CAPS LOCK AND EXCLAMATION POINTS FOR THE WIN!!!!!!!!!!!! /div/span/div/span/div/span/div/i/div

Weird Quirks

Lately, I’ve been thinking about the completely random things that I do and think about, and came to a realization: I’ve got a lot of weird quirks. And I have no idea where they come from. Here are a few cases in point:divbr //divdivb1. For the past two days, I’ve listened to nothing but a href=”http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OSkgJHeUoXg”Avicii’s “Penguin”/a on repeat/b. I don’t know if I find the repetition soothing, if it makes for good background noise while I’m doing my work, if I just really, really, ireally/i like the song, or if it’s a combination of all three. All I know is that I really have had no desire to listen to anything else, and when I do try to listen to other songs, I keep going back to “Penguin” and then proceed to listen to it 50 times in a row. You’d think I’d be so tired of this song I’d slash my wrists if I ever heard it again, but so far, that’s not the case. It’s like I’m weirdly hypnotized by it. I’m listening to it as I type up this post, in fact. /divdivbr //divdivb2. My mind always goes to worst case or craziest scenario. /bExample: Let’s say I’m out walking my dog and I smell something foul. Here are the possible reasons for the odor in ascending levels of crazy:/divdivbr //divdiv-garbage/divdiv-compost pile/divdiv-stagnant water/divdiv-feces/divdiv-dead animal/divdiv-dead animal wrapped in garbage laying on top of a compost pile with feces and stagnant water/divdiv-decomposing human body/divdivbr //divdivGuess where my mind goes 99.9% of the time? The last one. Hand to God. I smell something bad and I immediately think, “Holy shit, what if there’s a dead body buried nearby and it’s decomposing?” Then I get into a moral crisis: “Should I check to see what the cause of the smell is? What if I don’t and it turns out to really be a decomposing human body and someone out there is getting away with murder because I don’t want to bother to check? iIf I don’t check and it actually does turn out to be a decomposing human body, is my soul forever damned to the fiery pits of Hell because I just kept RIGHT ON WALKING?! DOES THIS MAKE ME A BAD PERSON?!” /iIt should be noted that when I reach this level of ridiculousness I realize how silly I’m being and give myself a reality check. To date, I HAVE NEVER CHECKED FOR DECOMPOSING HUMAN BODIES. I may be a little morbid and crazy, but I’m not THAT crazy. Not yet, anyway. /divdivbr //divdivb3. I have a love/hate relationship with my saxophone. /bI played the alto sax from 7th grade through the fall semester of my sophomore year in high school. I both loved and hated it. My parents loved it because they thought it would help alleviate my asthma (a theory which has yet, to my knowledge anyway, to be supported with actual scientific and/or medical research). I loved the iidea/i of playing it, but I hated actually practicing, which is probably why I never did it outside of class and after school band practice. Despite all this, I still cannot bring myself to get rid of it. It sits in its case in my closet, collecting dust, rarely being brought out. Sometimes I’ll get all motivated and swear to myself that ithis time/i I’ll put effort into playing it and learn how to play jazz until I’m crazy good. I tell myself that I’ll practice after work every day, buy new reeds that will be easier to play on, and really dedicate myself to learning how to master my instrument. It was during one of these fits of motivation that I took out my sax, put it together, looked at it, decided I’d really rather do something else like read, or watch TV, or look at the grass grow, and subsequently took it apart and put it away. Other times I’ll play for a total of ten minutes before deciding I’m over it. Yet I have this sentimental attachment that prevents me from getting rid of it. /divdivbr //divdivb4. Sometimes, when I’m really tired, I’ll write instead of going to bed. /bTonight is one of those nights. But now I’m going to bed. And if you wake me up, I will probably be really bitchy because I hate being woken up. So DON’T DO IT. Bye bye. /divdivbr //divdivbr //divdivbr //div

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